Firebug

the lost ‘All in the Family’ episode

October 22, 1976

(Fade in. The living room of the Bunker house. Archie sits in his chair reading a section of his newspaper. Mike sits on the couch to his left, reading a different section of it. In the distance Edith can be heard humming softly in the kitchen.)

Archie: (snorts) Aw, geez, would ya look at this. It says here some lousy knucklehead’s been goin’ round the neighborhood lightin’ off firecrackers, blowin’ up stuff. Scarin’ folks, terrifyin’ their pets. What kind of firebug maniac would do that, huh?

Mike: (without looking up) Yeah, I read that story. They think from the amount of damage being done someone’s probably using quarter sticks, M-1000s. They’re around six inches long. Y’know, Archie, that’s practically dynamite. Dangerous stuff.

Archie: (glares over the top of his paper) Yeah, yeah, I can read too, Meathead. I don’t need you giving me measurements. This ain’t shop class.

Mike: I was just sayin’.

Archie: Well, don’t just say, just shut!

(A loud knock at the front door.)

Archie: Edith! Hey, Edith! You better get the door there, will ya?

(Edith scurries out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. She opens the door)

Edith: Oh, Archie, it’s Mr. Jefferson!

(George Jefferson strolls in, wearing a big grin and a flashy jacket.)

George: Well, well, well! Friday, Payday, huh, Bunker? My favorite day of the week, and yours too, I bet.

Archie: (grumbling) What the hell do you want, Jefferson?

George: (beaming) What do I want? I came to collect what’s mine, that’s what. Don’t tell me you forgot already. We made a little gentleman’s wager on the World Series, remember?

Archie: (mutters) Yeah, Yeah, I remember, I remember. (stands up and reaches for his wallet reluctantly)

George: (grinning wider) Yankees versus Reds, right? I told ya the Big Red Machine was gonna roll right over those Bronx bums, and they did. Four games straight. That’s a clean sweep, Bunker!

Archie: (hands him a five-dollar bill like it’s a painful medical procedure) There. Five bucks. Take it and scram.

George: (takes the bill proudly) Thank you, thank you. Always nice doin’ business with you. You sure you don’t wanna go double or nothing on the Colts-Jets game on Sunday?

Archie: (snaps) I don’t bet on no game where the players spend half the time huggin’ each other on the ground!

George: (chuckling) Suit yourself, Bunker. I’ll just spend my hard earned winnings somewhere classy. Or, maybe over at Kelsey’s bar. Buy myself a beer and watch you sulk later.

(Mike snickers. Archie glares at him.)

Archie: What’s so funny, Meathead? You enjoyin’ the sight of a hardworking man gettin’ robbed?

Mike: I just like seeing the free market in action, Arch.

Archie: Yeah, well, you’re gonna see it from the line at the soup kitchen if you don’t shut your yap.

(George starts heading toward the door, still grinning.)

George: Oh, before I forget, guess what, Bunker? We’re pretty much neighbours. I just bought myself a new property down the street. 515 Hauser.

Archie: (looks at George sharply) Oh yeah, the old Stewart house?

George: That’s the one. Gonna fix it up real nice. Slap a fresh coat of paint on it, get some plumbing and electrical work done. Some landscaping, plant a few trees, sell it next year for double what I paid for it.

Edith: (perks up) Oh, that’s wonderful, Mr. Jefferson! The Stewarts really let that place go. The lawn’s overgrown with brush and crabgrass. Isn’t that great Archie? Mr. Jefferson is gonna raise our property value.

George: Yeah, I got plans for it. I’m gonna have three beautiful red maple trees planted right in front. I’m just looking for someone to dig the holes for me to plant them in.

Archie: (points to Mike) There ya go, Jefferson, Meathead here loves diggin’ holes. He’s been diggin’ one for himself since he moved in.

Mike: Oh, no, not me, I’m not interested.

Archie: What d’ya mean, you ain’t interested?

Mike: I mean I’m busy.

Archie: Busy doin’ what? Lookin’ up big words to call your father-in-law?

(They start bickering. Edith steps between them.)

Edith: Oh, stop it, both of you! If nobody else wants to do it, I’ll dig the holes.

(All three men stop and stare at her, then burst out laughing.)

George: (laughing) Mrs. Bunker, you’re gonna dig three big holes in that yard by yourself?

Archie: (chuckling) Edith, the only thing you ever dug was a fruitcake outta the oven there.

Edith: You can laugh all you want, but by the end of tomorrow morning those holes will be ready for Mr. Jefferson’s maple trees.

(George grins.)

George: Tell ya what, Mrs. Bunker. You get it done by late tomorrow morning, and I’ll give you the same five dollars I just took off your husband. Deal?

Edith: Deal!

George: (starts heading out) Then it’s settled. I’ll be there tomorrow morning to check your handiwork. I’m going to Kelsey’s, you turkeys have a good night.

(He exits and closes the door. Archie stares at Edith in disbelief.)

Archie: Edith, have you gone completely ding-a-ling? Why would you tell him you would dig them holes? You don’t know nothin’ about diggin’! You’ll get halfway down and call me out there, and then I’ll be the one breakin’ my back on a Saturday!

Edith: (calmly) Archie Bunker, I said I’d take care of it and I will. Now I don’t want to hear another word about it. Dinner’s almost ready.

(She disappears into the kitchen. Archie shakes his head and grumbles to himself and sits back down in his chair.)

Archie: (muttering) Holy cow, I marry a woman who can’t boil an egg without whistlin’ hymns, and now she’s some landscaper over there.

Mike: (smirks) You might wanna be nice to her, Arch. Sounds like she’s got big plans.

Archie: Yeah, and I got a bad feelin’ her ‘big plans’ are gonna involve me holdin’ a shovel tomorrow.

(Cut to after dinner. Archie sits in his chair watching TV. Edith putters in the kitchen, humming. The camera pans behind her as she quietly opens a drawer, looks around, and pulls out six M-1000 firecrackers and smiles mischievously.)

Edith: (to herself, softly) I ain’t gonna let Archie or nobody else say I can’t make a few holes.

(She tucks the fireworks into a grocery bag and hides it in the broom closet. Fade out.)

Scene Two - Later that evening

(Exterior shot, the front yard at 515 Hauser street. It’s almost dark on Friday evening. Edith is outside, bundled in a sweater, poking the ground with a trowel. Archie stumbles along the sidewalk in a jacket on his way to Kelsey’s. He sees Edith and has a quizzical look on his face.)

Archie: Edith, what in the name of the holy Bronx Zoo are you doin’?

Edith: (cheerfully) Oh, just loosening up the dirt a little for the holes.

Archie: (looks down) That ain’t diggin’, that’s ticklin’ the lawn there. You’ll be here till Christmas at that rate.

Edith: (smiles sweetly) Don’t you worry, Archie. I’ve got a shortcut.

(She points to the paper bag on the ground beside her. Archie squints suspiciously.)

Archie: What kinda shortcut?

(Before she can answer, Mike comes bumbling down the sidewalk)

Mike: You two are actually out together on a Friday evening?

Archie: Yeah, and your mother-in-law here thinks she’s gonna outsmart the laws of manual labour somehow.

(Edith pulls one of the M-1000s out of the bag. Archie’s eyes widen.)

Archie: EDITH! What the hell is that?!

Edith: Oh, just some things I got from some nice boys down the block. They’ll help me make the ground nice and loose. Should help me make nice holes for the trees. Edith produces a Zippo lighter from her pocket.

Mike: (eyes bug out) Edith, that’s an M-1000! You can’t use that, it’s basically a quarter stick of dynamite!

Edith: (innocently) Yeah, they really pack a punch. They make a big BOOM.

Archie: YOU’RE THE MANIAC FIREBUG THE PAPER WAS TALKIN’ ABOUT, AND YOU’RE MARRIED TO ME!

(Mike grabs the firecracker and the lighter from Edith, while Archie is pacing and ranting.)

Archie: Geez Edith, don’t you understand what could happen? You could blow yourself halfway to Brooklyn!

Edith: (meekly) Well, I just like to hear them go BOOM. Anyways, I was just trying to help Mr. Jefferson make them holes and get you your five dollars back Archie.

(Just then a call pulls up and stops on the side of the road in front of the house. George Jefferson steps out of it. He sees the commotion and makes his way over to the three of them.)

George: Evening Bunkers! (looks at the paper bag on the ground) What’s goin’ on here?

Archie: (furious) I’ll tell ya what’s goin’ on, Jefferson, your landscaper here nearly turned your new property into a crater!

Mike: Shows George the M-1000 and gestures to the bag on the ground.

George: (cracks up laughing) Mrs. Bunker, you were really gonna blow up my yard with dynamite?

Edith: (bashfully) Only a little bit, Mr. Jefferson.

George: (still laughing hands Edith a five dollar bill) You know what? Forget it. Keep the five dollars, Mrs. Bunker. You earned it just for makin’ my night.

Archie: (groans) Great, she nearly kills herself and I’m the one who ends up payin’ again.

(George pats Archie on the back as he turns to leave, still chuckling.)

Edith: Do you still want me to make them holes Mr. Jefferson?

George: No no, that’s fine Mrs. Bunker. You oughta be proud, Bunker. You married yourself one dynamite woman!

(George gets into his car and drives away. Archie sighs and looks at Edith.)

Archie: Edith, you give me more headaches than the IRS, but I gotta admit, you’re one of a kind there.

Edith: Oh, thank you, Archie. (smiles) Since I ain’t gotta make them holes no more, how bout we go home and I’ll get you fellas some left over dinner. I have meatloaf, or tuna casserole. What do you want to eat Archie?

Archie: Something quiet.

(Laugh track. Fade to credits.)